"Defense" is not Fighting

by David Ayala

The school year is well underway and we've handled a steady stream of cases at King Middle School and King/Drew High School, as well as our partner school University High.  Though the cases that come through our program rarely deviate beyond the rumor gone bad or bumping in the hall, I have come to notice a trend in the students' thinking that is somewhat troubling.

Oftentimes an argument or fight will erupt because students claim to be defending themselves.  Sometimes it's a physical reaction (e.g. if a student gets pushed, that same student will push back).  Other times, it's a verbal threat back.  However, these incidents rarely end at that point.  The back-and-forth name calling and arguing continues with both parties thinking they are "defending" themselves.  When we mediate these cases, we often hear parties claim that she only acted the way she did because the other person had committed the first offense.  With both parties using this argument, it becomes unclear who is at fault in the situation(with the more likely conclusion that both parties share culpability).

The most disturbing part of this behavior is that students tend to cite their parents as instilling them with the expectation to "defend."  Sometimes students will say that their parents encouraged them to act in a destructive way as means of standing up for themselves.  Even if these students don't necessarily want to fight or provoke the situation, they feel they must respect their parents' values and exhibit some kind of independence.

From the perspective of the parents, I understand that nobody wants their child to be bullied or taken advantage of.  I understand that parents want to instill confidence and self-esteem in their children so that they can succeed in school and be independent.  However, in the face of conflict, I would advise parents to clarify and nuance this message.  "Stand up for yorself" is interpreted as "fight."  If we convey our value but don't clarify a method, then we end up putting our children in a confusing position.

Defending oneself does not mean that we should fight back or perpetuate the same destructive behavior that hurts us in the first place.  Standing up for oneself can be a dignified act that constructively engages conflict and helps to resolve the situation.  This behavior must not simply be preached to children but most also be exemplified by adults.